A Day at the PCPD: A GH Parody
by Luanna255
Summary: An average day at the PCPD, featuring Mac, Dante, Lucky, and Ronnie. Basically just pokes fun at how cops are portrayed on the show, as well as various GH storylines.


**A Day at the PCPD: A GH Parody**

_**The Scene:**__ It is around midday. The PCPD is quiet and inactive, as always. Dante Falconeri sits at his desk, troubled and lost in thought. His brooding is interrupted by the entry of Mac Scorpio._

**Mac:** Hey, Dante. Have you found Michael yet?

**Dante:** Michael's testimony isn't necessary. I've built a strong case.

**Mac:** But, the evidence is all circumstantial.

**Dante:** Yes.

**Mac:** And there's nothing which really proves that Sonny intentionally killed Claudia.

**Dante:** Yes.

**Mac:** Which is what we're trying to prove.

**Dante:** Yes.

**Mac:** And a month ago, you were saying that Michael was our best shot at convicting Sonny.

**Dante:** Yes.

**Mac:** But now you say that we don't need Michael's testimony?

**Dante:** Yes.

**Mac:** ... Huh?

**Dante:** Sonny is a good father!

**Mac:** I... what?

**Dante:** I mean, I loathe him and everything he stands for. But, he's a good man. Also, he has dimples.

**Mac:** _*scratches head in confusion*_

**Dante:** SonnySonnySonny!

**Mac:** _*exasparated*_ Oh, heck. Not _another_ one.

_*enter Ronnie*_

**Ronnie:** Another what?

**Mac:** Another victim of Sonnyitis. Symptoms include rapid decrease of mental capability and sudden blind worship of Sonny Corinthos. It's also deadly contagious. Why do you think it's impossible to enforce law and order in this town?

**Ronnie:** _*turns to Dante, annoyed*_ Dante, how many times do I have to tell you this? It is NEVER okay to sympathize with criminals, or makes excuses for them, or protect them from being punished for their crimes.

**Dante:** You mean, like you did with Franco?

**Ronnie:** _*blushing*_ That's different. Franco and I have a special relationship.

**Dante:** Sonny is my father. You wouldn't call that a special relationship?

**Ronnie:** _*sniffing*_ I wouldn't expect you to understand. Franco and I have a connection that is beyond the comprehension of mere mortals. Now, excuse me, I must go dye my hair with cartridge ink.

_*he flounces off*_

**Mac:** He's right, Dante. If someone breaks the law, you can't protect them from facing the consequences, no matter what kind of relationship-

_*enter Alexis, sobbing. Mac rushes to her*_

**Mac:** Alexis, my darling! What's wrong?

**Alexis:** I killed Kiefer Bauer! I saw him, and I didn't stop. It was an accident, except I did it on purpose. And then I kept driving, and I didn't call for help.

**Mac:** I completely understand. You were upset!

**Alexis:** But now that awful father of his has the nerve to be _angry_ at me for killing his teenage son! And he wants me to pay for my crimes!

**Mac:** No!

**Alexis:** Yes! I might actually have to... _go to jail!_

**Mac:** _*clutching her protectively*_ Don't worry, Alexis, my sweet! You won't have to pay for what you did. I'll make sure of it! Do you still have that red wig from when you killed Luis Alcazar and pretended to be crazy? Now might be a good time to get that out again.

**Alexis:** _*tearfully*_ And you'll just make it all go away?

**Mac:** Yes, sweetheart.

_*exit Alexis, shooting a last grateful look at Mac before she leaves*_

**Mac:** _*turning to Dante*_ Now, where was I?

**Dante:** Not showing favor to criminals or protecting them, no matter what kind of relationship you have.

**Mac:** Oh. Um, yes.

_*there is an awkward silence, broken by the entry of Lucky Spencer. Mac seizes on this distraction to break the tension*_

**Mac:** You're late. Where on earth have you been?

**Lucky:** I'm sorry. I was looking for my razors.

**Mac:** _*horrified*_ I knew it! I've been expecting this ever since he started crying all the time. He's finally become suicidal, and now he's decided to slit his wrists.

_*Mac grabs Lucky's hand and looks into his eyes, trying to reason with him*_

**Mac:** Now, Lucky. You don't want to do this-

**Lucky:** What are you talking about? I meant my shaving razors. They've been missing for the past eight months. I've been trying to shave with a butter knife, but it just doesn't seem to work properly. Did I miss anything?

**Mac:** Yes. Dante seems to have caught a bad case of Sonnyitis.

**Lucky:** But Dante, I thought you hated your father.

**Dante:** I did. Then I looked into his dimples, and suddenly I couldn't think clearly. Don't look into them, Lucky! They are like the eyes of a basilisk! They will hypnotize you.

**Lucky:** Ohh, I get it. My father used to be able to do something like that. People would look into his bushy 80's hair, and suddenly they would start thinking that rape and seduction are pretty much the same thing, and a conman would be a totally obvious choice for Mayor of Port Charles.

**Dante:** Wow. With such an awesome father, how did you end up in such a depraved profession?

**Lucky:** How did _you_?

**Dante:** Fair enough. But anyway, now I just don't know! I hate him because has committed heinous acts, but I want to love him because he's my father! And now that I've found out that my father is someone who is guilty of horrible, violent crimes, I'm worried that I'm going to turn out just like him, whether I want to or not, and-

**Lucky:** DUDE. Stop stealing my lines from 1998. It's not cool.

**Dante:** I was talking about this with Lulu the other day. I was afraid that I might be capable of the same kind of violence that my father is, and that I'm destined to follow in his footsteps-

**Lucky:** And, let me guess: She told you that you would never be capable of doing anything like that, and she knows you, even if you don't know yourself.

**Dante:** How did you know?

**Lucky:** Oh, I only had that exact conversation with Elizabeth like ninety-five times. Twelve years ago.

**Dante:** _*angsty*_ And the lies, Lucky! The lies! Can you imagine what it would be like, finding out that your mother's been lying to you for your entire life?

**Lucky:** I'd never guess.

**Dante:** And I have siblings! Siblings that I never knew about! Long-lost siblings, and some of them hate me!

**Lucky:** _*drily*_ It must be tough.

**Dante:** At least I have Lulu in all of this. I would be lost without her. She is the wind beneath my wings, the answer to my prayers, the-

**Mac:** _*interrupting*_ We get it. Enjoy it while it lasts, kid.

**Lucky:** Within six months, she'll cheat on you, get pregnant, and leave you to raise the kid.

**Dante:** Are you sure?

**Mac:** Sorry, kid. It's the way of the world.

**Lucky:** We're cops. This is what we do. We raise other people's children. It's our _raison d'être_.

**Mac:** It's our job.

**Dante:** It is?

**Mac:** Well, what did you _think_ our job was?

**Dante:** Well... enforcing the law...?

_*Mac and Lucky burst out laughing*_

**Mac:** Enforcing-!

**Lucky:** -the law!

_*they continue to laugh hysterically as Dante looks on, mystified*_

**Mac:** Oh, I just love the new guys!

**Lucky:** Where do they _get_ these ideas?

**Dante:** But... but... isn't that what cops _do_?

**Mac:** Listen, kid, what show do you think you're on? _Law and Order_?

**Lucky:** _NYPD Blues_?

**Mac:** This is Bob Guza's _General Hospital_. Our job is to act like idiots, and screw everything up as badly as possible.

**Lucky:** Leaving the way clear for Sonny and Jason to save the day.

**Mac:** And also leaving the way clear for them to break the law with no fear of actually getting punished for their crimes.

**Lucky:** Occasionally we get to do something that actually resembles solving a case, but that's only so that Jason looks more impressive when he figures it out faster than we do.

**Dante:** So... we don't enforce the law?

**Mac:** _*speaking slowly, as if to an unintelligent two-year-old*_ No. We don't. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to my _real_ job, which is yelling at Spinelli.

**Lucky:** I have to go cry because Elizabeth and I aren't together anymore.

**Both:** See you!

_*they exit, leaving Dante looking forlorn and confused*_

_**End Scene**_


End file.
